My Dad

I have sat down six times over the last few days to write down these words. They may not be completely coherent but I will do my best.

On Monday November 27th at 5:15am my Dad died, 7 days after his 68th birthday. Before he left even though he was not able to communicate we were able to tell him how much we love him and he heard us.

I send this out to all the people that loved him, knew him, or simply were familiar with my Dad's struggle with diabetes and kidney disease. As I write this so many thoughts are swirling around in my head: the regret of not having enough time with him, the wish that I could turn back time (like Hiro Nakamura in the show Heroes) and somehow change what happened, the hopes and dreams we shared for his future, the emptiness inside me after losing him.

On October 28th my Dad finally got the chance he had waited more than 8 years for, a kidney match had been made. When they performed the surgery on October 29th the doctors found that Dad has a massive infection in the cavity around his stomach that had gone undetected. This infection had it been found before the surgery would have resulted in his being denied the transplant. They also found a carcinoma in his bowel which they removed. So when the surgery which lasted more than 8 hours was complete the doctors had saved his life whether the kidney functioned or not. The coming weeks found slow progress with the kidney but by mid November my Dad began to do something that he hadn't done the previous 8 years. He began to pee. It wasn't as much as a healthy person, he was urinating somewhere between a pint and a quart of liquid a day, but it was far more that the one ounce a day he had become used to.

During his recovery we enjoyed some good times. Nina and I visited UCLA frequently and most of the visits we spent talking about TV, movies, current events and on occasion I would bring in some of Dad's favorite foods including dim sum. I loved so much the talks we had.

One of Dad's gifts was the ability to layout a problem that I presented him so I could see the outcome should I pick one solution or another. I will forever be grateful for this gift and I have and will continue to practice it with others for the rest of my life.

He was always supportive and never judgmental. It was not a surprise that his heart required a bypass and so much maintenance over the years because it was so big, so charitable, and so full of love. He was strong and tough when it was required but you always knew what an old softie he was inside. He was a fighter and a survivor who had beat the odds time and time again. He was my Hero.

On November 20th I visited Dad for his birthday and he was in good shape but tired from the physical therapy he had performed that day. I was lucky enough to be there when he got one of the best birthday presents ever. A visit from his grandson TJ and TJ's girlfriend Michelle. I was so surprised and happy to see them and the minute Dad saw them there was this amazing warmth that filled the room as Dad cried with happiness. Yes the old softie had come out once again.

At some point during the following week he contracted an infection that didn't show itself until late Thursday night. From that point on doctors tried everything they could to give him a chance to fight the infection and the nurses tried to give us hope but by Sunday morning I think we all knew the end was near.

Though he had been in a coma that was induced by the infection and he could not speak I discovered through the day Sunday that he was hearing what I said to him at each visit. During one of my visits in the early afternoon I got up in his face to tell him how much I love him and to give him a hug as he lay there in his hospital bed. At that moment I thought I saw his head move. The first response I had seen from him in many days. When Nina and I walked out the ICU I told her that I could have sworn I saw his head move and that he heard what I was saying. She told me she saw his leg move when I was talking to him. I went back to his bedside a few minutes later to confirm my feelings and he was able to raise an eyebrow, and give me a partial grin to let me know he heard me.

On Sunday Night my Step-Mom Jan and a couple of chaplains from the hospital visited him to give a blessing based on his Episcopal Faith. Following this first Nina and I and then my brother Tom and his wife Cari were able to visit him one last time. On this visit my brother and I told my father pretty much the same words. We told him that we love him and that it is up to him if he wants to keep fighting and that if he was tired and ready to leave us that it was ok. That if he wanted to continue fighting we would support him but we didn't want him to fight just for us. I told him how much I love him and that I would take care of Jan and the others he left behind. As I said these words I saw a tear come from his eye.

In my grief I write these words and I hope that this letter is not seen as burden on you. If nothing else it is a celebration of my father and the love I have for him and a part of the process that I must go through to find the closure I so desperately need. Hopefully as time passes what will remain are memories of the good times we had.